Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.